@ 5:13 PM on 06.26.04
Dear Diary,
I am fat. I can't fit into a size 0 anymore. I weigh a few pounds above average. There is fat... on my stomach. I've become so goddamn disgusting that there is FAT ON MY STOMACH. Tell me, diary, who has fat on their stomach? That's right, obese motherfuckers do.
I want to be skinny.
So, Diary, I did my research like a good girl. I skimmed the internet, I watched MTV, I obsessed over models, I looked up diets. I'm not eating anymore. If I am forced to eat, I will just throw it up later. All I drink is water, and sometimes I'm afraid that even water might get me fat. I mean, isn't your body like, 75% water or something? I mean, gawd, if I stopped drinking water, then I'd be so much skinnier.
Skinny is good. Being able to count my ribs is doing wonders for my self-esteem, especially yesterday, when I realized that I could count every damn one.
But I weighed myself, Diary. I'm not at my goal of below-below-average yet. How can this be? I'm slipping out of my size 0 skirt. I need a belt to keep the tightest pants on. My hair is falling out, my period has stopped, and I can't think straight anymore, but alas, I haven't reached the perfect weight.
What went wrong?
I saw someone skinnier than me yesterday. She was probably younger than I am - in fact, I'm sure she was younger than I am - but she made me feel like a pig. How can you be so damn skinny and not put any effort into it at all? I hate it, Diary. I hate her.
Oh, you don't know how HARD it is, Diary! Every day I see a girl who is skinnier than me, a guy who I will never get because I'm fat. I'm so fucking huge, how can anyone stand to look at me?
Today my friend told me that I should get help, that I should start eating again. Eating? Doesn't she know how bad that is for you? The very notion that I should partake in something that every human being must do to survive is fucking idiotic, Diary! Doesn't she get that? I'm so much better than everyone else. I can stop eating and I can survive, Diary, because I am beyond the human race.
Anyways, what does she know? She can't even fit into a size 2. What a fucking blimp, huh?
Well, Diary, I have to go run now. I run about five miles every day, have I told you that? Exercise is good; no one can disagree with that.
Love,
Mika
